Secrets of Strong FamiliesA group of American marriage and family counselors once placed a

Secrets of Strong Families

A group of American marriage and family counselors once placed a brief notice in four dozen newspapers in 25 states. "If you live in a strong family, please contact us. We know a lot about what makes families fail; we need to know more about what make them succeed." Letters poured in; then a questionnaire was mailed to each family who responded and more than 3,000 families participated. One of the most surprising things to emerge is that six key qualities for making a strong family function were mentioned time and again by many families. Those qualities are.

Commitment

Crucial to any family's success is an investment of time, energy, spirit and heart, an investment otherwise known as commitment. The family comes first. Family members are dedicated to promoting each other's welfare and happiness-and they expect the family to endure. For strong families, commitment and sexual fidelity (忠诚) are so closely linked that an extramarital affair (婚外恋) is regarded as the ultimate threat to a marriage. "An affair does terrible things to your partner's self-esteem," one woman wrote, "It says, you are replaceable." Some families have seen commitment eroded by a more subtle enemy-work, and its demand on time attention and energy.

Time Together

When 1,500 children were asked "What do you think makes a happy family？" they didn't list money, cars, or fine homes. They replied: doing things together. Members of strong families agree. They spend lots of time together — working, playing, attending religious services, and eating meals together. What you do isn't as important, they say, as doing it. What about quality versus quantity of time？ Strong families realize the time they spend together needs to be good time. It also needs to be sufficient; quality interaction isn't likely to develop in a few minutes together. A working mother wrote, "To excuse myself for spending so little time with my daughter by saying, 'It was only 15 minutes, but it was high quality,' is a cop-out."

Appreciation

Feeling appreciated by others is one of the most basic of human needs. Questionnaires and interviews showed that the quantity of appreciation family members expressed to one another was even greater than anticipated. One mother wrote: "Each night we go into the children's bedrooms and give each a big hug and kiss. Then we say, 'you are really good kids and we love you very much. ' We think it is important to leave that message with them at the end of that day." A wife said "When my husband comes home he says, ' I see you've been busy with boys today and you got your hair cut and did the marketing.' He doesn't mention the weedy garden. And when he comes in, disappointed over a sale he missed, I remind him of the three he made last week. We've conditioned ourselves to look at what we have rather than what we lack."

Communication

Psychologists know that good communication helps to create a sense of belonging, and case frustration as well as full-blown crises. Strong families emphasize that good communication does not necessarily happen; it takes time and practice. Good communication means clearing up misunderstandings. Strong families work at explaining one another's messages. A new Mexico husband wrote: "My wife would say, 'Are there any good movies downtown？ ' and she'd mean, ' I'd like to go to a movie'. I'd answer the question literally, by telling what was playing. Rarely did I suggest going to a show. Then I'd be surprised when she was unhappy. Eventually we figured this pattern out. She is better now about saying ' I'd like to… ' instead of hinting, and I'm better about checking to be sure I understand what she really means."

Spiritual Wellness

Spiritual wellness was defined by strong families as a caring center within each of us that promotes sharing, love and compassi

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